1. Kill a few Flies

2. Put them in the sun to dry for one hour.

3. Once they are dry, pick a pencil and paper... Let your imagination flow.

Here are a few examples...

Makes me wonder, where does someone work that there are this many flies???

Mick says, "How you doin?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you.."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

 
ONE 
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. 
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 
'You don't?' I replied. 
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 
'That's right.' 
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets 
(Unbelievable but sadly true...) 
 
TWO 
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. 
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. 
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' 
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' 
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. 
She had no clue to what had just happened. 
 
THREE 
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. 
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' 
(keep shuddering!!)
 
FOUR 
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. 
She replied, 'I knew It! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' 
 
FIVE 
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. 
Brunette, by the way!! 
 
SIX 
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' 
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!' 
 

  
1. Men are  like 
Laxatives 
 They  irritate the crap out of  you. 

 

2. Men are  like. 
 Bananas 
 The  older they get, the less firm they  are. 
 


3. Men are  like 
 Weather 
 Nothing  can be done to change them. 
 
 


4. Men are  like 
Blenders 
 You  need One, but you're not quite  sure why. 
 
 


5. Men are  like 
Chocolate  Bars 
 Sweet,  smooth, & they usually head right for your  hips. 


6. Men are  like 
Commercials 
 You  can't believe a word  they say. 
 


7. Men are  like 
 Department  Stores 
 Their  clothes are always 1/2 off! 
 


8. Men are  like 
Government  Bonds 
 ..  They take soooooooo long to mature.
 


9. Men are  like 
Mascara 
They  usually run at the first sign of emotion. 
 


10. 
 Men are  like 
 Popcorn 
 They  satisfy you, but only for a little  while. 


11. Men are  like 
 Snowstorms 
 You  never know when they're coming, how many inches  you'll get or how long it will  last. 


12. Men are  like 
Lava  Lamps 
 Fun  to look at, but not very bright. 
 


13. Men are  like 
 Parking  Spots 
 All  the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Why Men and Women Get Married... 

Everybody congratulates you,
but nobody knows how many times you were fucked!
 
 

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

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Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'

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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

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A father put his three year old 
 
daughter to bed, 
 
told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying 
 
'God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.' 
 
 
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?' 
 
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' 
 
The next day grandpa died.. 
 
 
 
 
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. 
 
 
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and 
 
 
 
listened to her prayers, which went like this: 
 
'God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma.' 
 
 
The next day the grandmother died. 
 
Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. 
 
 
 
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, 
 
'God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.' 
 
 
 
He practically went into shock. 
 
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. 
 
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. 
 
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. 
 
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day 
 
he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. 
 
 
Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. 
 
When he got home his wife said 
 
'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?' 
 
 
 
He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.' 
 
She said 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE. 
He asked 'What'?????? 
 
 
 
 
 
She said 'This morning our neighbor James suddenly died.'
 

 Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. 'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!' The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens When we pull the thermometer out of his ass!'